6WS: Miss J to the L O

Jennifer Lopez.   

Some know her as J-Lo or Jenny from the block. Others refer to her as a triple threat of mediocrity - singer, dancer and actor. And still others will always remember her as the flyest of all Fly Girls (see: In Living Color circa 1991). As for me, Jennifer Lopez will always be Mary Fiore, Wedding Planner, in the role of my life.

You know the story: a freakishly chance encounter brings soulmates together. They face seemingly insurmountable obstacles and then (spoiler alert) the stars align for them and we are left to believe that they live happily and fatefully ever after.

It is the ultimate chick flick....and my eternal saga.  Well, except for the happily ever after, fateful conquering part. Everything up to that is a version of dead on.

Okay....let me paint the picture for you:

At one point in the movie, Mary is standing at the door of her apartment while the man she is falling in love with (played by southern charmer, Matthew McConaughey) professes his deep seeded and intense feelings for her.  At this point in the movie, he is engaged to another woman.  Mary looks at him and says, “I am a magnet for unavailable men. And I’m sick of it. Please go away.”

Tell him, sister!  I’m right with you.

I have dated/been engaged to every molecular configuration of unavailable that humanity has to offer.  They were emotionally unavailable, commitment-phobic, honesty-deficient and even out-and-out abusive. For years I’ve wondered if I’m displaying a sign that says “Come work your shit out here!!”

And then it hit me.  I wear that sign everyday....intentionally.  In fact, I get paid to do it. 

I’m a helper. I choose to work everyday with angry, hurt, often violent people who struggle with addictions, hygiene and sometimes even basic communication. And I love it. I have always said that God-given gift is my ability to genuinely love people who are difficult to love. (I bet you’re beginning to see where I’m going with this....)

It occurred to me that my attitude of acceptance of whatever my clients bring with them had extended into my personal life.  Beyond personal history and some skill deficits, they bring prejudice, abusive behaviour, disrespect and vulgarity.  I can easily see through the hard exterior to the hurt that is, more often than not, been the source of their lashing-out for quite some time. Many have suffered terrible loss as well as the same types of hurtful treatment which they now pass on to others.  So, I accept a few more profane conversations than the average bear in order to work on the real issues.

And then I come home.....to the same thing.  At least I used to.  I would keep my Social Worker hat on, see the pain in the poisonous presentation and look past it.  I accepted their shit and let the men in my life work it out with me, through me, on me.  And when they were all whole and healed (or when I was too exhausted to endure anymore) we parted ways.  

But yet my sign stayed up.

Well, now I’m choosing to take down the sign.  Like Miss Mary Fiore, I am deciding that I am sick of attracting into my personal life men who are not prepared to be in a healthy, relationship with a partner - not a therapist.  Feel free to make an appointment to see me when I’m working if you’d like professional help.  I promise to accept the brokenness, hear past the anger and help you with what you need.  But when I’m off duty....

Please, just go away.

~TSC~

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