Monday's Must Nots

1. Don't believe the hype

Words. Actions.  Throw them on either side of the scale and see which one is worth its weight in gold.  Tell them all to put up or shut up.  Then believe that.

2. Don't get wooed into the idea that you "don't need labels"

Okay, this is a personal preference, but I need clear lines and language.  I mean, we don't have to define things three minutes into our first date, but once we've been hanging out for some time on a fairly regular basis, I see nothing wrong with making sure both parties are on the same page.  (Or at least reading the same book!!)

3. Don't lose sight of the big picture

Things are fun, light, easy....and that's super awesome.  Don't throw away the non-negotiables you set out in those sober, rational moments.

4. Don't allow the search for a partner to trump everything else in your life

Remember your life?  Your friends and family and career and fitness goals and travel plans and......

5. Don't check your phone too often

Ok, this one may seem a little out of left field....and it kinda is.  But seriously, how often do we all check our phones? Text messages, missed calls, voice mails, email, internet, wiki-this, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and countless other social media outlets that I'm not nearly cool enough to be a part of.  Its kinda liberating to giver yourself permission NOT to check them for a little while.  Try it out.  Report back.

That's it for me.

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Monday's Must Nots

The aim of this week's edition of Monday's Must Nots is not necessarily to be inspirational.  Should you be inspired by it - bonus!  However, this is a list of reminders for all the single ladies out there (sure, myself included) who wish to find themselves in a meaningful, respectful, reciprocal relationship of any kind.  The list was inspired by some interesting conversations that I have had with single friends, from my own past experiences and from story after story of counterintuitive behaviour patterns by women in every facet of my life.  Let's go!!

Things not to do this week:

1. Do not mess around with anyone who is married.

Let me define a few terms here: "Married" can be substituted in this case for "in a committed relationship," "living with a partner," "engaged to be married," and "planning to leave, but still in a romantic relationship." Also: "mess around" can be used interchangeably with "sleep," "have sex," "kiss," "date," "make future plans," and "physically or emotionally connect."  Now that we have that out of the way...it has been my experience that (a) more often than not, you stay the side dish and never move to being the main....after all, you're willing to settle, so why would they give up having the best of both worlds - comfort and excitement?? (b) If they do leave for your, remember: if they cheated with you, they'll likely cheat on you and (c) even if they are 100% faithful to you, your relationship started with a lie.  Can you ever really trust them?  Hey, this is only if you want to be in an exclusive, monogamous, respectful relationship....and this is just my opinion.

Moving on...

2. When you have a partner, avoid situations that kinda-sorta look (or feel) like they may be covert dates.

So the handsome pre-med student in your human anatomy class has asked you out to lunch five or six times now and you've communicated that you have a guy in your life.  He knows this, insists that he is very interested in you but respects that and asks you out to dinner anyways....at his house. No, no...its so we can go over the lecture notes after dinner.   *WARNING* Dr. McSchemey there wants to see what he can get away with...and if your boundaries aren't clear or maybe if your curiosity is a little piqued, things can get hectic. Quickly. Proceed with caution.

3. Do not add alcohol or any other mood- or decision-altering substances into scenarios one or two.

Do I really need to elaborate on why this is a bad idea?

4. Stop telling yourself the lie that you can't, won't and aren't able to find someone to meet your standards.

Lowering them isn't going to make you any happier. You'll just find that you're settling for a situation that doesn't satisfy you. My motto (which I really should remember to follow): keep your head, heels and standards high.

5. Don't forget that lonely moments are just that - moments.

They won't last forever, so try not to make decisions in that feeling that you know you'll regret later.

That's it for today, folks! Happy Monday!

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6WS: Two Steps Forward, One Step Back

This week has been one full of setbacks.  Unforeseen financial obligations, business-building hurdles, I even spilled coral nail polish on my light grey carpet. It seems that just as my life starts moving in the direction I want it to, something pops up to remind me that it's not yet time to let down my guard and bask in the rays of my success.

...and then there's the silly little issue of falling into familiar, unhelpful coping strategies.  Yeah, I did some of that too.  But today is a new day and a new chance to move forward again.

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6WS: Miss J to the L O

Jennifer Lopez.   

Some know her as J-Lo or Jenny from the block. Others refer to her as a triple threat of mediocrity - singer, dancer and actor. And still others will always remember her as the flyest of all Fly Girls (see: In Living Color circa 1991). As for me, Jennifer Lopez will always be Mary Fiore, Wedding Planner, in the role of my life.

You know the story: a freakishly chance encounter brings soulmates together. They face seemingly insurmountable obstacles and then (spoiler alert) the stars align for them and we are left to believe that they live happily and fatefully ever after.

It is the ultimate chick flick....and my eternal saga.  Well, except for the happily ever after, fateful conquering part. Everything up to that is a version of dead on.

Okay....let me paint the picture for you:

At one point in the movie, Mary is standing at the door of her apartment while the man she is falling in love with (played by southern charmer, Matthew McConaughey) professes his deep seeded and intense feelings for her.  At this point in the movie, he is engaged to another woman.  Mary looks at him and says, “I am a magnet for unavailable men. And I’m sick of it. Please go away.”

Tell him, sister!  I’m right with you.

I have dated/been engaged to every molecular configuration of unavailable that humanity has to offer.  They were emotionally unavailable, commitment-phobic, honesty-deficient and even out-and-out abusive. For years I’ve wondered if I’m displaying a sign that says “Come work your shit out here!!”

And then it hit me.  I wear that sign everyday....intentionally.  In fact, I get paid to do it. 

I’m a helper. I choose to work everyday with angry, hurt, often violent people who struggle with addictions, hygiene and sometimes even basic communication. And I love it. I have always said that God-given gift is my ability to genuinely love people who are difficult to love. (I bet you’re beginning to see where I’m going with this....)

It occurred to me that my attitude of acceptance of whatever my clients bring with them had extended into my personal life.  Beyond personal history and some skill deficits, they bring prejudice, abusive behaviour, disrespect and vulgarity.  I can easily see through the hard exterior to the hurt that is, more often than not, been the source of their lashing-out for quite some time. Many have suffered terrible loss as well as the same types of hurtful treatment which they now pass on to others.  So, I accept a few more profane conversations than the average bear in order to work on the real issues.

And then I come home.....to the same thing.  At least I used to.  I would keep my Social Worker hat on, see the pain in the poisonous presentation and look past it.  I accepted their shit and let the men in my life work it out with me, through me, on me.  And when they were all whole and healed (or when I was too exhausted to endure anymore) we parted ways.  

But yet my sign stayed up.

Well, now I’m choosing to take down the sign.  Like Miss Mary Fiore, I am deciding that I am sick of attracting into my personal life men who are not prepared to be in a healthy, relationship with a partner - not a therapist.  Feel free to make an appointment to see me when I’m working if you’d like professional help.  I promise to accept the brokenness, hear past the anger and help you with what you need.  But when I’m off duty....

Please, just go away.

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Six Word Saturday

Make Up Your Freakin' Mind, Already

I went on a bit of a weekend road trip recently with The Professor. (Feel free to refer to my earlier post about my relationship resume for context.) We went to one of the USA's major metropolitan cities for a couple of days (as friends) and had a pretty good time.  We checked out the city, hit up a museum and popular park, went dancing and even took in a movie.  It was a good weekend.

On our last day in the city, when our bags had been loaded into the car, but before we hit the highway, we stopped for lunch.  Now, for the entire weekend, one of the trends had been our inability to decide what to do, where to eat and when to move. Over lunch, my semi-plutonic travelling companion asked me about my comfort level when it comes to making decisions.  This question evolved into a 30-minute conversation about the responsibility of being the "decision-maker" in a family or relationship.  I shared that, as a single parent, I make all of the decisions all of the time and it's nice to sometimes share that responsibility with someone else or, in some cases, relinquish it altogether.  He also shared his perspective of how that responsibility often becomes unequally distributed between genders in relationships. Blah blah blah....its was a good conversation.

Fast forward to yesterday, when it hit me - "it" being one of the (probable) reasons my relationships have never been.....fulfilling (to say the least).  I've taken the idea of compromise to new lows of spinelessness, accepted that which is unacceptable (with hopes that they will one day get better) and, essentially, allowed myself to settle for far less than I deserve or even want.

Let's take The Professor, for example: he's got all the checks and balances covered on my list - everything is even wrapped up in a big, strong and handsome bow, BUT I've somehow managed to convince myself that I am fine settling for some undefined, obscure "friends +" status (not to be confused for friends with benefits.....at least that I would understand).  In actuality, what I want is a way of relating to each other that has more clarity than he can/will provide.

So now the million dollar question is: what exactly am I hanging on to?  The hope that one day he'll wake up and realize how much he can't live without me?  Not bloody likely, lady....and in the meantime, he's made his decision and is contently living his life.  I think I should follow suit. And here is my decision: I need a clear position on one side of the line - just friends or building something more...

...and a turkey burger with a side of sweet potato fries for lunch.

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Reclaiming My Smile

I've always been afraid to be too nice to people for fear of sending the wrong message.  I didn't want anyone to think I was naive or vulnerable, nor did I want to give off an "I'm interested" vibe when I was only being friendly.  So, I kept things pretty neutral...or at least I thought I was. Instead I was communicating (and yes, this is actual feedback) "scary," "serious," "tough," "stuck-up," "bully," and "mean." But it served its purpose - people kept their distance.  But...that meant that when I wanted to get close to people, I had to go above and beyond to disprove the reputation of coldness that I had established.  There were many ways that I was able to accomplish that - not all of which were the healthiest or most productive choices for me.

Then I discovered something, I could be nice to people just to be....nice. How liberating!!

Ok, Single Chick....what the hell is the point of you writing about this?

I had to remind myself about this lesson learned in high school recently.  My last romantic relationship was very abusive. I had become accustomed to averting my eyes from contact with strangers, keeping my socialization to a minimum and my conversations brief, and always avoiding any undue friendliness that could be misread (by anyone) as "flirting."  So ingrained in my was this mindset, that even after we broke up, I didn't realize that I had forgotten to reestablish my default facial expression to a smile.  It took months of introspection (and psychotherapy) to reconnect with my genuine joy and find ways for that to be communicated.  And I remembered again while I was travelling recently.  The customs officer asked my travelling companion if I am "always that serious." A security guard told me that I "should try to have fun and smile more." Even just walking down the street in New York I heard a man comment that he bets that "there's a smile under there somewhere."  Each time I heard the comment I had to remember that my smile is meant to be shared and shone.

And let me tell you...once I started to not only enjoy the city and the people, but to lead with my social spirit, I had a blast!!  I met some amazing New Yorkers (who, I might add, are some of the friendliest people I've met on this earth....)  I'm so glad I didn't miss it!

Six Word Saturday

Haven't seen any job postings yet...

I have just completed the first exercise of my will-be blog-chronicled experiment/journey - my relationship resume.  And just like the first time you exercise any major muscle group, I am feeling the burning fatigue of hard work. It's not so easy, I realized, to take a real look at my assets as well as the areas I still need to work on. I had to dig through some tough memories to figure out the positive I am carrying forward with me and what mouldy old baggage I need to leave behind.  With that exploration came the acknowledgement that I have indeed carried some of my old stuff along from relationship to relationships, leading me to (a) expect the worst, (b) settle for less than I wanted or (c) contribute to the unhealthy dynamics I have often found myself in.  "Hurt people hurt people" is a common addage for a reason - and I think it's just as fair to say that broken people are often drawn to other broken people.  I know that I often recognized the brokenness in my suitors and tried to be their fixer (word to the wise, folks - this is not a good place to build from).  I used my Social Work skills not as a partner, but as a counsellor. I allowed people to work their stuff out on me...and guess what?  Many of them took the opportunity and are better off for it.  As for me - I have some insight, plenty of what-not-to-do stories, and (thankfully) a clearer idea of what I will not stand for.  The key is to remember that lesson when days turn into very long, lonely nights and fun weekends with the girls stack up into months without the companionship I crave.

As for the result of my experiment....the resume is below.  Not quite ready to submit it for consideration....but maybe one day! ;)

The Single Chick (Resume)

Objective

To fulfill my role as helpmeet, mother and virtuous woman in a powerful marriage partnership with an influential man of God

Experience

Girlfriend, The Jamerican 2001-2006

Gained invaluable practical experience in negotiation, compromise and effective communication. Developed ability to integrate into various social circles and build rapport with family and friends.  Experienced true vulnerability and honesty in a reciprocal relationship. Nurtured a child through the pregnancy, labour and delivery process. Readjusted expectations through transition from role of girlfriend to fiancé and mother. Parted ways and manage to maintain an amicable co-parenting friendship.

Almost Girlfriend, The Athlete 2007-2008

Performed duties of girlfriend (commitment, support, encouragement) without insisting on reciprocated exclusivity or a defined title.  Attended sporting events, integrated with social circle and spent countless hours of quality time with friends, family and one-on-one in various settings.  Developed an appreciation for being spoken to with respect.  Equally developed an understanding of the importance of being at the same emotional place as a partner.  Was able to part ways when need for exclusivity became paramount and could not be guaranteed.  Maintained platonic friendship for many years post-romantic involvement.

Female companion (not otherwise specified), The Player 2008-2009

Performed duties of a girlfriend under a non-disclosure clause and without definitive language surrounding relationship status.  Supported “partner” though emotional trauma stemming from external relationship. Provided benefit-of-the-doubt advantage in doubtful scenarios. Maintained professional interactions when paths crossed for work purposes, both during and after tenure in this role.   

Fiancé, The Controller 2010-2012

Further developed skills of compromise. Subordinated own wants and needs to that of partner. Honed ability to compartmentalize conflict and resolve privately. Integrated partner and child into a cohesive unit.  Supported partner though multiple lay-offs and financial hardship.  Was able to identify increasingly abusive patterns (verbal, emotional, financial, physical) and seek support for self and partner individually and as a couple. Developed ability to assess risk and end engagement despite potential negative social impact. Isolated self from social supports to reduce conflict in these relationships regarding partner.  Redefined standards for future partners.

Friend, The Professor 2012-present

Learning new process of healthy social interaction.  Established and tested boundaries for physical intimacy. Willing to share appropriate amounts of personal information. Maintains awareness of expectations related to respect, communication, honesty and acceptance.  Breaking pattern of reading more into friendship than is there.  Keeping options and lines of communication as exclusivity has not been communicated from either party.  Enjoying the process, continuing to discover myself. 

Education

Formal: College Diploma in Social Services field, completing Liberal Arts Degree currently
Informal: Girlfriends, Exes and Every-Mistake-I’ve-Ever-Made — B.A. in Realistic Expectations and sobering self-awareness

Skills

Ambition- founder and CEO of youth charity

Nurturing and Caring - as demonstrated in role of friend, mother and (formerly) partner

Self-Improvement - actively and consistently engaged in formal and informal venues of self-improvement

Spontaneity- Known to jump on stage during audience participation or plan a road trip on a whim

Observation and Intuition - intentional in attempts to assess partners' needs and communication style

Sense of Humour - easily laughs at self, slightly sarcastic, rolls with the punches, appreciative of intelligent and/or organic humour (a la Dave Chappelle or Vince Vaughn)

Conflict Management - aware of conflict style, prefers to deal with conflict to a resolution rather than avoid it

Referrals

Contact any one of my exes, married male friends or girlfriends....they’ll vouch for the journey, the highs and the oh-so-lows on the way to this ever-evolving level of self-awareness

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Manic Monday - Exercise the first....

The challenge: make a resume.

Easy enough, right? I've done it a million times before. Find the job, tailor the resume to highlight my relevant experience, qualifications and skills for the position.  No sweat.  Here's the catch: the position I am applying for with this resume is "Wife."

The purpose: personal inventory.

What do I bring to the table? What are my assets? My transferrable skills?  What is my related education?  I've also encouraged my cousin (another 30-year old, gorgeous, educated single woman) to participate in this challenge with me.  Feel free to join in the fun - I'd love to hear how the process goes for others.

I'll post my resume here by the end of the week.