Haven't seen any job postings yet...
I have just completed the first exercise of my
will-be blog-chronicled experiment/journey - my relationship resume. And just like the first time you exercise any major muscle group, I am feeling the burning fatigue of hard work. It's not so easy, I realized, to take a real look at my assets as well as the areas I still need to work on. I had to dig through some tough memories to figure out the positive I am carrying forward with me and what mouldy old baggage I need to leave behind. With that exploration came the acknowledgement that I have indeed carried some of my old stuff along from relationship to relationships, leading me to (a) expect the worst, (b) settle for less than I wanted or (c) contribute to the unhealthy dynamics I have often found myself in. "Hurt people hurt people" is a common addage for a reason - and I think it's just as fair to say that broken people are often drawn to other broken people. I know that I often recognized the brokenness in my suitors and tried to be their fixer (word to the wise, folks - this is not a good place to build from). I used my Social Work skills not as a partner, but as a counsellor. I allowed people to work their stuff out on me...and guess what? Many of them took the opportunity and are better off for it. As for me - I have some insight, plenty of what-not-to-do stories, and (thankfully) a clearer idea of what I will not stand for. The key is to remember that lesson when days turn into very long, lonely nights and fun weekends with the girls stack up into months without the companionship I crave.
As for the result of my experiment....the resume is below. Not quite ready to submit it for consideration....but maybe one day! ;)
The Single Chick (Resume)
Objective
To fulfill my role as helpmeet, mother and virtuous woman in a powerful marriage partnership with an influential man of God
Experience
Girlfriend, The Jamerican 2001-2006
Gained invaluable practical experience in negotiation, compromise and effective communication. Developed ability to integrate into various social circles and build rapport with family and friends. Experienced true vulnerability and honesty in a reciprocal relationship. Nurtured a child through the pregnancy, labour and delivery process. Readjusted expectations through transition from role of girlfriend to fiancé and mother. Parted ways and manage to maintain an amicable co-parenting friendship.
Almost Girlfriend, The Athlete 2007-2008
Performed duties of girlfriend (commitment, support, encouragement) without insisting on reciprocated exclusivity or a defined title. Attended sporting events, integrated with social circle and spent countless hours of quality time with friends, family and one-on-one in various settings. Developed an appreciation for being spoken to with respect. Equally developed an understanding of the importance of being at the same emotional place as a partner. Was able to part ways when need for exclusivity became paramount and could not be guaranteed. Maintained platonic friendship for many years post-romantic involvement.
Female companion (not otherwise specified), The Player 2008-2009
Performed duties of a girlfriend under a non-disclosure clause and without definitive language surrounding relationship status. Supported “partner” though emotional trauma stemming from external relationship. Provided benefit-of-the-doubt advantage in doubtful scenarios. Maintained professional interactions when paths crossed for work purposes, both during and after tenure in this role.
Fiancé, The Controller 2010-2012
Further developed skills of compromise. Subordinated own wants and needs to that of partner. Honed ability to compartmentalize conflict and resolve privately. Integrated partner and child into a cohesive unit. Supported partner though multiple lay-offs and financial hardship. Was able to identify increasingly abusive patterns (verbal, emotional, financial, physical) and seek support for self and partner individually and as a couple. Developed ability to assess risk and end engagement despite potential negative social impact. Isolated self from social supports to reduce conflict in these relationships regarding partner. Redefined standards for future partners.
Friend, The Professor 2012-present
Learning new process of healthy social interaction. Established and tested boundaries for physical intimacy. Willing to share appropriate amounts of personal information. Maintains awareness of expectations related to respect, communication, honesty and acceptance. Breaking pattern of reading more into friendship than is there. Keeping options and lines of communication as exclusivity has not been communicated from either party. Enjoying the process, continuing to discover myself.
Education
Formal: College Diploma in Social Services field, completing Liberal Arts Degree currently
Informal: Girlfriends, Exes and Every-Mistake-I’ve-Ever-Made — B.A. in Realistic Expectations and sobering self-awareness
Skills
Ambition- founder and CEO of youth charity
Nurturing and Caring - as demonstrated in role of friend, mother and (formerly) partner
Self-Improvement - actively and consistently engaged in formal and informal venues of self-improvement
Spontaneity- Known to jump on stage during audience participation or plan a road trip on a whim
Observation and Intuition - intentional in attempts to assess partners' needs and communication style
Sense of Humour - easily laughs at self, slightly sarcastic, rolls with the punches, appreciative of intelligent and/or organic humour (a la Dave Chappelle or Vince Vaughn)
Conflict Management - aware of conflict style, prefers to deal with conflict to a resolution rather than avoid it
Referrals
Contact any one of my exes, married male friends or girlfriends....they’ll vouch for the journey, the highs and the oh-so-lows on the way to this ever-evolving level of self-awareness
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Play along with Six Word Saturdays at Show My Face by clicking on the cute little button (that's cute as a button).
An exercise I was once given in counselling was to create something of a visual representation of my needs/wants in a partner. It was something akin to Maslow's hierarchy of needs - on the bottom were the non-negotiables, the things that I could not live without and would not overlook to assess if additional characteristics were present. The next tier would be the less critical things, but still highly important. And on and on until we reach the smallest, top section which would have traits that were desirable but not deal-breakers. I completed this activity over a year ago, amid the ruckus that was that time and I thought I would revisit it now to see if anything has changed.
