My Open Letter to Miss Miley

I've been on a bit of a blogging hiatus for a couple of weeks - life has been consistently kicking my ass and my involvement in many of my circles - the blogsphere included - has diminished. So, I'm back...just in time for Six Word Saturday.  You know how it works, so play along if you dare.  (The button will take you there.)

Six Word Saturday: My Open Letter to Miley Cyrus

Hey Miley,

I feel as though I owe you an apology.  I got caught up in it all - just for a second - and allowed myself to feel as though I had the right to judge your actions and outfits and music....and by extension - you (a little bit). And, really, one could argue that I do indeed have every right to pass judgement on a product that you contribute to the public forum for large-scale consumption.  One could take that argument a step further and say that you, yourself, are a type of produced commodity, and therefore fair game for judgment as well.  This is all a little bit besides the point.  So let me get to it.

You're 20 years old. I couldn't really care any less that you used to be Hannah Montana. I have no investment in you manitaining a squeaky clean image for our sake or that of you father's achey breaky heart. We all know what happens to Mickey Mousers and Family Channel child stars - they grow up - just like the rest of us.

We make crappy, shocking and controversial choices in behaviour, wardrobe and, if we are blessed with a record deal, music. When we are 20 years old, we are sometimes desperately, sometimes tragically, often hilariously, usually awkwardly, but almost assuredly testing out adulthood.  At 20, most of my friends were playing beer pong and flunking out of college....I was preparing to give birth to my first child. Test, test, test. For halloween they dressed as football players (see: jerseys and daisy dukes) and Army recruits (see: cropped shirts and fatigue-print daisy dukes). My friends went to clubs and participated in wet t-shirt contests and experimented with drugs. Sounds a bit like your music videos and performances.  The only difference is that we didn't do it on t.v. (well, not usually and not on purpose - whole different story).

So, here's the point of my letter: you're 20. You're creating/developing/testing your identity and we get to watch.  We may not like it.  We don't have to buy it.  Most of us are going to judge it -- it is an occupational hazard as an entertainer.  But I'd just like to say that I think I get it. You have the resources to twerk your way into adulthood under very different circumstances that most of us did/do. You have resources like Justin and Britney and Christina....all of whom have gone under public scrutiny for issues from hair to wardrobe and beyond.  At the end of the day, our lives are no better or worse because of their fluctuating diets, latex dresses or a flopped singles.

In short: my experience tells me that the public won't be talking about this (or you) forever. So, (as the cool kids say) let the haters hate! Your album sales are booming because of it and the longer you're on our minds and blogs, the more lucrative your career.  And that's the point, isn't it, Miley?....at least for now.

Sincerely,
The Single Chick

6WS

Should you trust a "gut feeling?"

Emotionally, things are great.  When you're together he makes you feel special, beautiful, like the only woman in the world.  He speaks to you kindly, shows you physical attention, opens and holds every door for you. He says he wants to be your best friend, to be the one you can confide in. He wants you to feel as though you can tell him anything,  because you can he says. He walks closest to the road so that you feel safe. He calls you his lady and stands to greet your friends.  He may have genuinely never heard the news bulletin that chivalry has apparently kicked the bucket - nope, in his world it is alive and well, and training to participate in the Iron Man challenge next month.  This man makes you feel really, really good in your heart.  You just may be able to fall for this guy.

Intellectually, things make sense.  He is gainfully employed in his field of choice.  You are well aware of the economic reality of your society and that employment is not guaranteed these days, but he is also fairly level-headed and ambitious.  He's shared his plan B. He works hard - that's a plus.  He asks about your son and family. He is financially responsible.  There are a few areas that need some work - communication, for example.  However, he is also aware of his areas for improvement and you are comfortable with giving him the space and time to make the improvements that he has identified that he would like to work on.  Self-directed self-improvement - you can get down with that.  Intrinsic motivation, you go boy!

So then, why is your gut still unsure.  There is not logical or emotional reasoning to it, but something between your sternum and your pelvis is unsettled at the thought of the possibility of true exclusive commitment and longevity with this person.

When everything else adds up, how much stock should we put in a gut feeling?

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6WS: To Invest or Not To Invest?

Who? And when? And how do you know if it's worth it?  Investing your time, energy and feelings into someone, that is.  I've been trying to gather some perspective from my mentors and friends and this vast and seemingly endless blogsphere, but there doesn't seem to be a consensus.

"Jump in with both feet!"

"Fall hard - the bruises are worth it."

"Be careful....you can't trust anyone really."

"Take your time and go slowly, but give folks a chance."

"What's the point? Even if things lead to a ring, chances are you'll get divorced anyways...."

(These are just a few of the highlights.)

So now I'm appealing to those of you who have stumbled across my little pice of the cyberworld. I've recently started dating someone.  He's lovely, but things are still new. (I'm not practicing my married signature or anything.) Here's my dilemma: he's not from the same city as me.  Actually we hail from two different countries, but his profession has brought him to a city near me until the end of the year.  There is a chance he could be back next year, but we won't know until we know.  Here's the question: is it worth it to even get to know this person, understanding that we are (to seal a line from Miss Carrie Bradshaw) "expiration dating?"  It's already time-stamped. And since, ultimately, I'm not just dating for kicks and giggles, is spending my time with the Globetrotter a waste?  Or is it always worth the time if you're happy?

That's the question.  Your thoughts are appreciated....

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6WS: Head-scratcher

But if not at work, where?

I made a decision a while back that I was no longer going to get involved with anyone I worked with. I have done it on multiple occasions and it has always ended badly.

During my stint with The Player, we kept our relationship secret at work and played some real-life version of a great escape video game every time we left shift together.  I'm serious...he would leave out the back, I would pick him up on the corner.  We would only communicate in the elevator or in über-business like fashion when under the watchful eye of co-workers or our clients. It was exhausting. And not at all fruitful.  When things ended, we still worked at the same place...and so did the woman he left me for. (Whole other story...) But it was awkward.

Scene two: The Fiancé. We didn't work at the same place, but our companies worked together on a lot of projects and therefore we were often in the same building, shared a lot of the same colleagues and generally spent quite a bit of paid time together.  It evolved into a relationship, a ring, an abusive hot mess and many many questions from mutually known people about what went down. Private? Not exactly.

Scene Three: The Professor.  Now, we weren't ever truly in a relationship, but we dated for eight months and went on a trip together before he decided he only wanted to be friends.  Much like the Fiancé, we didn't have the same employer, but met at work because we shared the same physical space for our jobs.  I must be really good at dancing, because we two-stepped around each other in that building, maintained an air of professionalism and hid our personal relationship (friends or otherwise) from everybody around.

I'm all about maintaining boundaries between my work life and my private life, but I'm also super sick of feeling like somebody's dirty little secret.  So, I decided to stop dating men that I work with...and then it hit me.

All I do is work.  So, if I'm not going to meet men during working hours.....how the hell am I ever going to meet anyone?

This is not a rhetorical question (entirely). I truly am curious: for the working professionals out there - maybe you have a child like I do, maybe you have a full-time job and are also building a business like me.  Where do you find the time?  Where do you find that person - anybody - to spend your very scarce down time with, to get to know them and to not have to act out the deleted scenes from Mission Impossible to hide it from those around you?  I'd appreciate some insight.


Oh, and this message will self-destruct in 5....4.....3....2.....

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One day. Six words. Play along.

Six Word Saturday - In Poetry

She wrote my DNA in words.

Warsan Shire is a 25-year old Kenyan-born Somali poet who currently lives in London.  I was introduced to her poetry recently, but she isn't new to the art - her poetry already translated into multiple languages other than English and (wait for it).....she's coming to TORONTO!!  I can't wait to hear her words live, PLUS, I will be in attendance at a writing workshop she will be holding the day before.  

Ever since I heard this poem, I can't get it out of my head.  It speaks to my core like no other poem ever has.  I'm even considering the last lines for a tattoo....

"...you are terrifying and strange and beautiful; something not everyone knows how to love."

Have a listen....

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6WS: It's Raining Men (No Hallelujah here!)

After calling off my engagement last year, I went through a bit of  a dry spell in the romance department.  Sure, I needed time to heal blah, blah....but by the time I was ready to put myself back out there, I really started to wonder where the heck all the good men had run off to.  There was that moment with The Professor that turned out to be a big waste of everybody's time and energy, but beyond that - nada.

And then something happened....I'm not exactly sure what the catalyst was for this change, but suddenly there are a number of men vying for my attention.  Sounds exciting, doesn't it???

It's not.  

I have never been the girl who can date more than one guy at a time.  Maybe that's (insert some negative adjective here) of me, but I just don't know how to do it.  I like to get to know people without feeling like I'm on some damn game show.  I don't want to have to balance an overflowing social calendar with all the other stuff I have going on in my life.  I don't even know that rules of multiple man dating.  Do I keep that information private?  Should I be up front and let them know I'm dating other people?  What if I start to like one of them...how do I end things with the others?  Is there a responsibility for full disclosure at that point?  What if someone starts to like me??

Seriously, I'm exhausted just thinking about the logistics of all of this.....

You know the 6WS drill by now.....visit Call Me Cate and show everyone a bit of comment luv, won't ya?!

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Six Word Saturday

How long to fall in love?

Those are my six words.....I welcome any number of words in your response.

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6WS: Two Steps Forward, One Step Back

This week has been one full of setbacks.  Unforeseen financial obligations, business-building hurdles, I even spilled coral nail polish on my light grey carpet. It seems that just as my life starts moving in the direction I want it to, something pops up to remind me that it's not yet time to let down my guard and bask in the rays of my success.

...and then there's the silly little issue of falling into familiar, unhelpful coping strategies.  Yeah, I did some of that too.  But today is a new day and a new chance to move forward again.

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6WS: Miss J to the L O

Jennifer Lopez.   

Some know her as J-Lo or Jenny from the block. Others refer to her as a triple threat of mediocrity - singer, dancer and actor. And still others will always remember her as the flyest of all Fly Girls (see: In Living Color circa 1991). As for me, Jennifer Lopez will always be Mary Fiore, Wedding Planner, in the role of my life.

You know the story: a freakishly chance encounter brings soulmates together. They face seemingly insurmountable obstacles and then (spoiler alert) the stars align for them and we are left to believe that they live happily and fatefully ever after.

It is the ultimate chick flick....and my eternal saga.  Well, except for the happily ever after, fateful conquering part. Everything up to that is a version of dead on.

Okay....let me paint the picture for you:

At one point in the movie, Mary is standing at the door of her apartment while the man she is falling in love with (played by southern charmer, Matthew McConaughey) professes his deep seeded and intense feelings for her.  At this point in the movie, he is engaged to another woman.  Mary looks at him and says, “I am a magnet for unavailable men. And I’m sick of it. Please go away.”

Tell him, sister!  I’m right with you.

I have dated/been engaged to every molecular configuration of unavailable that humanity has to offer.  They were emotionally unavailable, commitment-phobic, honesty-deficient and even out-and-out abusive. For years I’ve wondered if I’m displaying a sign that says “Come work your shit out here!!”

And then it hit me.  I wear that sign everyday....intentionally.  In fact, I get paid to do it. 

I’m a helper. I choose to work everyday with angry, hurt, often violent people who struggle with addictions, hygiene and sometimes even basic communication. And I love it. I have always said that God-given gift is my ability to genuinely love people who are difficult to love. (I bet you’re beginning to see where I’m going with this....)

It occurred to me that my attitude of acceptance of whatever my clients bring with them had extended into my personal life.  Beyond personal history and some skill deficits, they bring prejudice, abusive behaviour, disrespect and vulgarity.  I can easily see through the hard exterior to the hurt that is, more often than not, been the source of their lashing-out for quite some time. Many have suffered terrible loss as well as the same types of hurtful treatment which they now pass on to others.  So, I accept a few more profane conversations than the average bear in order to work on the real issues.

And then I come home.....to the same thing.  At least I used to.  I would keep my Social Worker hat on, see the pain in the poisonous presentation and look past it.  I accepted their shit and let the men in my life work it out with me, through me, on me.  And when they were all whole and healed (or when I was too exhausted to endure anymore) we parted ways.  

But yet my sign stayed up.

Well, now I’m choosing to take down the sign.  Like Miss Mary Fiore, I am deciding that I am sick of attracting into my personal life men who are not prepared to be in a healthy, relationship with a partner - not a therapist.  Feel free to make an appointment to see me when I’m working if you’d like professional help.  I promise to accept the brokenness, hear past the anger and help you with what you need.  But when I’m off duty....

Please, just go away.

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Six Word Saturday

Make Up Your Freakin' Mind, Already

I went on a bit of a weekend road trip recently with The Professor. (Feel free to refer to my earlier post about my relationship resume for context.) We went to one of the USA's major metropolitan cities for a couple of days (as friends) and had a pretty good time.  We checked out the city, hit up a museum and popular park, went dancing and even took in a movie.  It was a good weekend.

On our last day in the city, when our bags had been loaded into the car, but before we hit the highway, we stopped for lunch.  Now, for the entire weekend, one of the trends had been our inability to decide what to do, where to eat and when to move. Over lunch, my semi-plutonic travelling companion asked me about my comfort level when it comes to making decisions.  This question evolved into a 30-minute conversation about the responsibility of being the "decision-maker" in a family or relationship.  I shared that, as a single parent, I make all of the decisions all of the time and it's nice to sometimes share that responsibility with someone else or, in some cases, relinquish it altogether.  He also shared his perspective of how that responsibility often becomes unequally distributed between genders in relationships. Blah blah blah....its was a good conversation.

Fast forward to yesterday, when it hit me - "it" being one of the (probable) reasons my relationships have never been.....fulfilling (to say the least).  I've taken the idea of compromise to new lows of spinelessness, accepted that which is unacceptable (with hopes that they will one day get better) and, essentially, allowed myself to settle for far less than I deserve or even want.

Let's take The Professor, for example: he's got all the checks and balances covered on my list - everything is even wrapped up in a big, strong and handsome bow, BUT I've somehow managed to convince myself that I am fine settling for some undefined, obscure "friends +" status (not to be confused for friends with benefits.....at least that I would understand).  In actuality, what I want is a way of relating to each other that has more clarity than he can/will provide.

So now the million dollar question is: what exactly am I hanging on to?  The hope that one day he'll wake up and realize how much he can't live without me?  Not bloody likely, lady....and in the meantime, he's made his decision and is contently living his life.  I think I should follow suit. And here is my decision: I need a clear position on one side of the line - just friends or building something more...

...and a turkey burger with a side of sweet potato fries for lunch.

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Six Word Saturday - Starbucks Eavesdropping

In Emotions vs. Logic, who wins??

"I'm very pro public scenes..."

This was the line that initially caught my attention.  I had been trying to get some work done at a Starbucks downtown, waiting to meet up with my cousin after work.  It had become almost impossible to stay focussed on my own laptop while the angry vulgarities of what I can only assume to be a woman once scorned flew out from behind her MacBook and landed squarely between me and my mine.  She seemed to be one half of a problem-solving (or exacerbating....you be the judge) session with a friend who was on the other end of the phone call.  I couldn't hear the specifics of the issue they were discussing, but what I could hear piqued my interest.

"He's all about talking in private.  He won't say anything in public.  He'll just sit there and stare at his laptop, shaking his leg, but when he get's home he f***ing rips you apart on Facebook."

I had to look up. Ooh...she's gesticulating!

"I don't want to tell you what to do....because I'm a woman who likes to be chased.  I like a reaction.  If I'm mad and you don't give me the reaction I want, I'm gonna just keep poking at you and keep it up until you react. So, I don't want to tell you to do something and then it ends up being bad advice."

The first rational thing I had heard all conversation.

20 minutes later she had moved the conversation out of earshot, but not so far that I had lost sight of waving arms and pacing around the general vicinity.  She was amped up.

This isn't the first time I've experienced first- (or second-) hand, the emotional response to conflict that is often stereotypically attached to the female approach.  Men are logical. Women are emotional.  This is what we are often socialized to believe....and there are definitely individuals who fit the mould.  (I'd like to submit the raging Starbucker as Exhibit A) A lot of my male friends have attributed this emotional lens as the source of much conflict and stress within their relationships.  It got me to thinking about the bar fights, basketball court fights and hockey fights men get into with each other and I realized that it isn't that men aren't emotional, their emotions just come out differently.  The Starbucker's conflict wasn't that her friend's partner was unemotive, it was that he chose to emote in a virtual public forum instead of an actual public place.  What initially seem to be a lack of an emotional response (perhaps even logical) was just a delayed emotional response.

So are men really all that much more logical, in general?  Are we all just emotional creatures with feelings manifesting in different ways at different times? And when it comes to the battle between logic and emotions, in the end do emotions ever really win??

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New York, Old Me - 6WS

Always discern your voice from others'

I just spent the last five days in the city that never sleeps.  It was my first time there, so of course I wanted to do some of the obligatory touristy things - Central Park, Times Square, Rockefeller Plaza....I did much more walking than sleeping for sure.  It was pretty amazing....but not for the reasons that I thought.

I found myself in a quaint restaurant on the Lower East Side, chatting with two of my girlfriends about relationships, challenges, lessons and choices.  I was explaining my pattern of people-pleasing and acquiescence and throughout the conversation, found myself returning to the phrase "I don't even know what I want anymore."  All of a sudden, one of the women I was with snapped, "Stop saying that you don't know.  You DO know! You know what you want for everything else in your life...it's the same voice, it's just talking to you about something else."


So maybe it isn't so much that I don't know what I want as much as I have to learn to listen harder to be able to recognize my own voice amongst the many others I have trained myself to listen to and listen for.

The sound probably hasn't changed as much as I think it has...

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Six Word Saturday

Haven't seen any job postings yet...

I have just completed the first exercise of my will-be blog-chronicled experiment/journey - my relationship resume.  And just like the first time you exercise any major muscle group, I am feeling the burning fatigue of hard work. It's not so easy, I realized, to take a real look at my assets as well as the areas I still need to work on. I had to dig through some tough memories to figure out the positive I am carrying forward with me and what mouldy old baggage I need to leave behind.  With that exploration came the acknowledgement that I have indeed carried some of my old stuff along from relationship to relationships, leading me to (a) expect the worst, (b) settle for less than I wanted or (c) contribute to the unhealthy dynamics I have often found myself in.  "Hurt people hurt people" is a common addage for a reason - and I think it's just as fair to say that broken people are often drawn to other broken people.  I know that I often recognized the brokenness in my suitors and tried to be their fixer (word to the wise, folks - this is not a good place to build from).  I used my Social Work skills not as a partner, but as a counsellor. I allowed people to work their stuff out on me...and guess what?  Many of them took the opportunity and are better off for it.  As for me - I have some insight, plenty of what-not-to-do stories, and (thankfully) a clearer idea of what I will not stand for.  The key is to remember that lesson when days turn into very long, lonely nights and fun weekends with the girls stack up into months without the companionship I crave.

As for the result of my experiment....the resume is below.  Not quite ready to submit it for consideration....but maybe one day! ;)

The Single Chick (Resume)

Objective

To fulfill my role as helpmeet, mother and virtuous woman in a powerful marriage partnership with an influential man of God

Experience

Girlfriend, The Jamerican 2001-2006

Gained invaluable practical experience in negotiation, compromise and effective communication. Developed ability to integrate into various social circles and build rapport with family and friends.  Experienced true vulnerability and honesty in a reciprocal relationship. Nurtured a child through the pregnancy, labour and delivery process. Readjusted expectations through transition from role of girlfriend to fiancé and mother. Parted ways and manage to maintain an amicable co-parenting friendship.

Almost Girlfriend, The Athlete 2007-2008

Performed duties of girlfriend (commitment, support, encouragement) without insisting on reciprocated exclusivity or a defined title.  Attended sporting events, integrated with social circle and spent countless hours of quality time with friends, family and one-on-one in various settings.  Developed an appreciation for being spoken to with respect.  Equally developed an understanding of the importance of being at the same emotional place as a partner.  Was able to part ways when need for exclusivity became paramount and could not be guaranteed.  Maintained platonic friendship for many years post-romantic involvement.

Female companion (not otherwise specified), The Player 2008-2009

Performed duties of a girlfriend under a non-disclosure clause and without definitive language surrounding relationship status.  Supported “partner” though emotional trauma stemming from external relationship. Provided benefit-of-the-doubt advantage in doubtful scenarios. Maintained professional interactions when paths crossed for work purposes, both during and after tenure in this role.   

Fiancé, The Controller 2010-2012

Further developed skills of compromise. Subordinated own wants and needs to that of partner. Honed ability to compartmentalize conflict and resolve privately. Integrated partner and child into a cohesive unit.  Supported partner though multiple lay-offs and financial hardship.  Was able to identify increasingly abusive patterns (verbal, emotional, financial, physical) and seek support for self and partner individually and as a couple. Developed ability to assess risk and end engagement despite potential negative social impact. Isolated self from social supports to reduce conflict in these relationships regarding partner.  Redefined standards for future partners.

Friend, The Professor 2012-present

Learning new process of healthy social interaction.  Established and tested boundaries for physical intimacy. Willing to share appropriate amounts of personal information. Maintains awareness of expectations related to respect, communication, honesty and acceptance.  Breaking pattern of reading more into friendship than is there.  Keeping options and lines of communication as exclusivity has not been communicated from either party.  Enjoying the process, continuing to discover myself. 

Education

Formal: College Diploma in Social Services field, completing Liberal Arts Degree currently
Informal: Girlfriends, Exes and Every-Mistake-I’ve-Ever-Made — B.A. in Realistic Expectations and sobering self-awareness

Skills

Ambition- founder and CEO of youth charity

Nurturing and Caring - as demonstrated in role of friend, mother and (formerly) partner

Self-Improvement - actively and consistently engaged in formal and informal venues of self-improvement

Spontaneity- Known to jump on stage during audience participation or plan a road trip on a whim

Observation and Intuition - intentional in attempts to assess partners' needs and communication style

Sense of Humour - easily laughs at self, slightly sarcastic, rolls with the punches, appreciative of intelligent and/or organic humour (a la Dave Chappelle or Vince Vaughn)

Conflict Management - aware of conflict style, prefers to deal with conflict to a resolution rather than avoid it

Referrals

Contact any one of my exes, married male friends or girlfriends....they’ll vouch for the journey, the highs and the oh-so-lows on the way to this ever-evolving level of self-awareness

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